To the North

Hi all !

When I say "To the North", I don't mean the North of Ireland, I mean Finland.
To be honest, I can't remember if I mentioned on my last post about mini trip to Finland.
Well, nonetheless, a week ago, I traveled back to Ireland from Finland, back to home from home.

Yea, so a bit over a week ago I went to Finland for a few days.
We left with my bf on Friday and came back on Monday.

                                           

I can't tell you how stressed about the flight I was.
Back in Finland doctors scared me to death with flying and I still haven't overcome that fear.
And it was very cruel thing to do, since I have always loved flying.
But yeah, I spent many weeks before the trip awake at night, with my thoughts and also fearing how the flight might go wrong with my crappy lungs if they don't keep their shit together.

On Friday, I went to the gym really early and after that returned back home and got ready.
At the airport we did some basic airport shopping, chocolate and a bit booze for family and friends.
Our flight was a bit late and for that one time when I had decided that I will survive this trip with small luggage, they decided to take my small bag away and put it into the hold.
Needless to say that I was pissed.
By the time when we got to the plane, found our seats and were ready to take off, I tried to take it as cool as possible. Dying inside of my head because of the panic but acting cool on the outside, trying to breathe normally.


       

(Flying: it's serious business)

The flight went fine. I focused on listening to music and reading my book. Had little snacks as well and that 3 hours flight fly by, haha.
Okay, the flight went fine but I had pain on the right side of my chest/ribs, more on the rib area than chest. It wasn't constant, luckily. I figure it's the fuckin' bullae that's gonna blow up one day, the very one doctors back in Finland warned me about before I moved to Ireland. Oh well, shit happens and splatters...
We landed to Finland in time even tho' we took off a bit late. I got my bag luckily very fast and I just wanted to get out of the airport and head home.
It was so great to see my dad waiting us at the airport. Big hug for daddy and after that we left and headed home.

                                               

(Love <3)

When we opened the door to my parents house, there was a choir of dogs, barking at us. And oh my goodness, how I loved seeing my dog! My heart was so full of joy and happiness and love seeing her after a long time. She greeted us bringing her toys and jumping and kisses. My parents dogs jumped and came for pets as well.
It was great. If I had missed something the most, it was my dog.

                                 

(From our morning walk <3)

On the next day (Saturday) I went for a walk with my mom and her dog and my dog. Weather was absolutely amazing. It was kinda soul therapy for me.
In Finland, you can walk in forests, roads, anywhere for maybe 8 kilometers and you don't see anyone else. That is love. Being in peace and calmness.
In Ireland, no. That's not gonna happen. There is people everywhere. No matter what. So, sometimes my Finnish nature misses that calmness and loneliness, walking and wondering alone without anyone else being around.
So, I really enjoyed our morning walk. Sure, my mother was there, but it doesn't count.
Soul therapy, as I said.

                                             

(Brother)

Later in the evening we had few drinks at my parents house and my very best friend came as well.
Had drinks with my bf, my brother, my bff and her bf. And at some point my dad gave us a lift to the town. We went to few pubs for drinks and then headed to night club.
Absolutely amazing and great time! I had so much fun.

                                

(Missus of my life)

I have to tell you about one old school mate I met that night. I first met him at the one of the pubs we went to. I bumped into him and kindly asked if he was who I thought he was, he said yes and repeated the same with me. Haha. Best part was him saying "You have gotten very pretty!". Like, gee thanks. And yea thanks, I do know I wasn't the prettiest girl in the school, I'm still not.
I met him at the night club again and we had a little chat, pretty much talking about what was going on each others lives now a days. At some point he said "I remember how you got so thin at one time". I literally was speechless. We were never like good friends or anything, more likely just acquaintance. I was so speechless that he had noticed, he remembered the time I got sick with anorexia.
"Try to get a bit more meat around your bones" he said and I promised to him that I will and that it's all under control now a days.
After that I found my friend and brother and his friends, with whom I ended up spending the most of the night. It was fun. I had a good time. I told my brothers friends that they can kick me out of their company any given time, but to them it was okay me hanging with them. I have to admit, I had so much fun, I laughed so much that my belly hurt at some point. I also played pool! I played against my brother, my bf and some random guy. And it was so funny when guys came to give me advises.
To be honest, I can't remember when I had last time so much fun.
Was I drunk? Hmmm, yes. Was I "over"drunk? No.
Handled my liquor, way to go my big liver! I knew you can do it! Haha.

Have to thank my bestie and brother and everyone else, my bestie's bf, my bf, my brother's friends for the great time I had. Thanks for making me having such a good time.

Oh well, next morning I had horrible hang over. Or the headache was making it horrible.
I had a little breakfast in the morning and went back to bed. I felt so bad because I really wanted to go for a walk with my dog but I was afraid if I would stay up, I would start puking. And naturally, I didn't want that to happen. So, I stayed in bed for hours.
My parents took dogs for a walk and after the walk my dog came inside. She came into bed with me.
My bf was gone with his friends already so there was enough room in the bed for her (to be honest, there is always room for my dog, not too sure about my bf tho' haha).
Best part was when my dog came right next to me, her back against my chest and she just laid there with me. I curled my arm around her and she didn't mind, she just laid there. I have to admit that it made me cry and I'm nearly crying now when I think of her.
It was the best hangover cure.
There is no love like the love of your dog.


                             

(Love <3)

Later that day when I had my shit together I visited my grandpa with my mom.
I knew he had been quite sick and in hospital so it felt good to see him in his own apartment.
Actually, it was one of the reasons why I wanted to go to Finland for a few days, to see grandpa and my dog (and yea sure, my family and bestie as well).
Had a nice chat with him and it felt good to see that he was doing a bit better. 

                                         

(Grandpa in the good mood :) )

Later enjoyed dinner made by my dad. If I had missed something, it was salmon made by my dad. And fuck the meal plan, I kinda went overboard with the salmon. But hey, it's protein.
(To be honest, my trainer wasn't too happy hearing that but whatever, it was just one little slip)

Early in the Monday morning my dad gave us a lift to the bus, as we took a bus to the airport.
My dad would have taken us to the airport but he had to be at work and he couldn't miss it.
Sure, my brother offered to give us a lift as well, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him driving alone home from the airport and I think it was important for him to be at school.
So, we took a bus ride to the airport. A bit stressed about it I was, as I hadn't taken bus to the airport in over 13 years. But we made it. Did the check in, had breakfast, did a little shopping again (whoops!) and got to our gate on time. 

                                 

Flight again went fine. Focused on my book and listening music, took it cool. Okay, again the very same pain on the right side of my ribs. And again, it wasn't constant.
We were back in Ireland in reasonable time. We took airport bus again to get back home.
After we got back home from home, it was time for a little walk, meal prepping and unpacking. 

                                

The next day it was time to get back to work and gym.

Yesterday I met my bf's brother. He asked how was our trip to Finland and he asked at some point, which I would prefer more, living in Finland or in here, Ireland.
I think my answer surprised him a bit, I said it's 50/50.
My dog, the love of my life, the saviour is in Finland and I miss her so damn much everyday. There is an emptiness in me every day.
And sure, it would be easier to stay on track with this damn illness in Finland.
But, I wouldn't have a job in Finland and I wouldn't be able to live together with my bf so.. it's 50/50.

It was easier to leave Finland this time. I guess it's because I kinda have built my life around here a bit. Sure, I was sad and heart broken to leave my dog. Had tears in my eyes when we left the house, had tears in my eyes when the plane took off.
But I know she is happy there with my parents and my parents dogs and her life is good there, she wouldn't be as happy in here Ireland, I know that.
And yea, I felt a bit homesick during last week, it was so nice to be at home, even tho' it was only a little while.

But my mother and brother are coming over to Ireland in next month, I'm so excited and happy about it already! :)

xoxo

Never forget why you fell in love with something

Hey everyone!

At the moment I'm struggling to write publicly, I have my notebook where I write quite loads of stuff.
As I stated in my last post, there is loads of things going on in my mind and I'm not quite sure whether to post that stuff online or not. But truth to be told, my mind is a quite dark and mysterious place right now. Even I, myself don't know most of the time what the f*ck is going on, to be honest with you all.
But anyway, I decided to write a blog post anyways, as I had yesterday a good day and got a little bit inspired by yesterday. And if my lungs keep their shit together, I'll be in Finland next weekend so most likely I won't be writing blog post next weekend.

Do you know that feeling when weekdays just take over your life?
Your life is revolving around work, gym, meal prepping, eating and sleeping (if your lucky enough to sleep).
Every day is the same, you're like a hamster, just constatly running on it's wheel, taking a break to eat and have a sleep and then the constant running starts again.
Every day feels the same, you can't tell the difference between your days, and days just fly by.
It's a bubble.

I have had this feeling for a while now.
My life is constantly revolving around work and gym pretty much. And my illness of course.
It's not the first time this happens in my life.

This happened with anorexia. My life was all about certain things. In that case, just jogging, watching my eatings and eating that little bit I allowed myself to eat, and sleeping the rest of the time as I had no energy to do anything else. No social life, no nothing. I was just trapped. I avoided social occasions, because it would break my routine, that made me exhausted but I was too scared to let go. I avoided pretty much everything that would break my routine. It was safe. I had control. Or so it seemed like.  
And it's exhausting as hell. Already then I compared myself to a hamster on it's running wheel.

Now... don't get me wrong, my anorexia is not triggering. I'm just saying that my life is so all about the routine that you kinda get lost. You forget the most important things, such as why you started. Why you are where you are, why you are doing these things. Every day is gray, you just execute these things that you have to, without any satisfaction, joy, happiness as you are so trapped in that bubble. It's like a fog.
Life is all about executing.

I had planned in my head to go to Dublin this weekend, just walk a bit around and maybe try to find something small and nice. On Friday evening, tired after work and gym and stuffed after cheat meal, I wasn't too sure about going to Dublin anymore.
Mostly I was just thinking about how I'm gonna divide my eatings and jogging around it if I go.

On Saturday morning I was torn between. I wanted to go but what about my walk, what about snack, what about cooking and eating and home exercise?
But then, I just decided that f*ck it, I had a chat with my bf and we decided that we would go right now, in the morning.
I told myself that it will be grand. If we go now, we hang out in town few hours and then come back home. And I would still have enough time to cook, eat, chill a bit and then go for my walk and do that exercise. It was Saturday after all, there was no rush anywhere.

It was great decision. Weather was absolutely gorgeous.
As we sat in the front of the double-decker (it's the best possible seat), on our way to Dublin I kinda got out of the bubble and looked at things with eyes that had just gotten into Ireland.
I felt the sweet little excitement in me as I looked at the road signs where there is place names in english and in gaelic. How fascinating it felt. I looked at the houses and streets, how different they were. And as the double-decker entered to Dublin and I looked at the river Liffey, Guinness factory, pretty much everything there just were, I felt the excitement in me rising, I was actually living in this country. This was my new home and I had completely lost that exciting feeling.

As we were walking around in Dublin that day I had a good feeling. I was happy that I decided to go to town, get out of that bubble and have a little wake up call to this wonderful world.
So, for that while, the world wasn't that gray after all and foggy, it was colourful with sunshine.

Yesterday made me feel good. I had a lovely day out there, and when I got home, I still had enough time to cook, eat and go for a walk. I was so happy I broke my routine and enjoyed the little things and got that excited feeling in me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never forget why you started something.
Actually remembering the very reason why you have started something, can give you so much.
Remember the little things, those add up the most colour into the gray days.
Never forget why you fell in love with something.

I had last week my first assessment after I've started on that meal plan. And yeah, I have lost body fat on my belly, got good feedback from trainer but I kinda didn't know how to enjoy it.
I was like "Yeah, good stuff..." and just went back home to eat, shower and sleep.

After yesterday, I kinda started to look at that with new eyes as well.
Why I have started in first place to go to gym, what is my goal, how far I've come, how much work I have done to be in this place right now.
I got the excited feeling about it as well. I'm progressing, I'm going somewhere with this, it's not just some every day pumping, counting proteins, macros and fats.
So, it's just as important to celebrate those little achievements as those big ones.
No matter what is, give a little pep talk to yourself if you need to, clap your own back if you got out of the bed in the morning shit early to go for a walk, enjoy every slice of that pizza on your cheat meal day as you have deserved it, celebrate the kilo or 15 that you have lost.

Don't lose yourself into those gray days, keep always looking for rainbows.
Don't get trapped into a bubble, go out, have fun a bit, break the cycle. 

Stay wild,

xoxo

The fault in our stars

Hi all!

I can finally say that I have read a book before I've seen the film!

Yeah, I'm gonna talk about a book called The fault in our stars.
If you have heard about this and you wanna read it or see the film, don't read any further.

                        

I finished it few days ago. I got the book maybe two or three months ago.
No, I'm not a slow reader, I just got to the point in the book that I didn't know if I wanted to finish it or not.

So, basically the book is about this terminally ill girl, Hazel Grace. Cancer that has spreaded to her lungs. She has to carry an oxygen tank with her all of the time. So, basically, she is a lot more sicker than I am. She is about ten years younger than I am. Still, despite the age difference between me and this fictional character, I felt I could relate to her most of the times.

                                                

Hazel meets this charming young man in a support group, Augustus Waters. Augustus had cancer as well, he had his other leg amputated.
Eventually they fall in love. They do these things together, even go to Amsterdam, which made feel good that even if you are terminally ill, attached to an oxygen tank that you have to carry around, you are still able to fly. Yes, I have heard about this also in real life, so it gave me hope that even if my situation gets worse, maybe I'll be able to fly as well and I don't have to sit around in a house and wait for death to come.

                           
In "The fault in our stars" Hazel loves this book called "An Imperial Affliction", which also tells about terminally ill girl. Sometimes it made me feel like I was Hazel, reading about another terminally ill girl.
"An Imperial Affliction" was written by Peter Van Houten in the book and he lived in Amsterdam. Hazel introduced this book to Augustus as well.
Augustus used his "Wish" to fly Hazel and himself to Amsterdam to meet Peter Van Houten, which ended up to be nothing that they expected.
But at the end of the book, it came clear that Peter Van Houten wrote the book based on his own experiences, he used to have a terminally ill daughter who died at very young age.
And all this, made Van Houten nothing but mean and sad alcoholic.

After their trip to Amsterdam, Augustus gets worser and it's clear that his cancer has recur.
And he dies very close to end of the book.

By the time Augustus got sick, I started to feel if I wanted to finish the book or not.
But I did, and as much as reading Augustus dying and leaving Hazel sad, I was happy I read the book, even tho' I felt sad as well.

                                      

The thing with chronical illness, or even with terminal illness is that no one really understands you.
I have started to understand the quote "No one gets it until they get it".
So, when I was reading this book, even tho' I'm not as sick as Hazel is *knocks wood*, I felt that someone understood.
This book made me anxious, sad, happy, laugh and cry. It was everything I expected it to be, and maybe a bit more. It was therapeutic in some level, at least to me.
It kinda made me to come in terms with my own illness. As some of you know, I haven't spoken to a therapist or a shrink about my illness and I intend to keep it that way. To be honest, I probably should, because there is so much heavy shit going on in my head and no one really to talk to about it. But how about No...

I have started to write again. Yes, my blog but also something else. Actually, I have started to write loads of things. I used to write so much when I was younger and I'm not the one to brag, but I was one of the best writers back in the school in my class. It feels great to be back at it again.

As I said, I have started to come in terms with my illness... it's heavy stuff. And I'm writing about it, everything that knocks in.
Maybe in near future, I will write about that stuff here in my blog, when the time is right, but not yet, as it is too much to get out of my chest and head for public eyes to read.

But going back to "The fault in our stars", I loved the book and I recommend it.
I'm not too sure if I want to see the movie. I like the image I have in my head.
Oh well, we'll see if I will watch the movie or not.
(Sorry I didn't wrote too much and too detailed about the book, I wanna save some for you, if any of you get's the sparkle to read it)

                                                

Ten points to John Green.

xoxo