Never forget why you fell in love with something

Hey everyone!

At the moment I'm struggling to write publicly, I have my notebook where I write quite loads of stuff.
As I stated in my last post, there is loads of things going on in my mind and I'm not quite sure whether to post that stuff online or not. But truth to be told, my mind is a quite dark and mysterious place right now. Even I, myself don't know most of the time what the f*ck is going on, to be honest with you all.
But anyway, I decided to write a blog post anyways, as I had yesterday a good day and got a little bit inspired by yesterday. And if my lungs keep their shit together, I'll be in Finland next weekend so most likely I won't be writing blog post next weekend.

Do you know that feeling when weekdays just take over your life?
Your life is revolving around work, gym, meal prepping, eating and sleeping (if your lucky enough to sleep).
Every day is the same, you're like a hamster, just constatly running on it's wheel, taking a break to eat and have a sleep and then the constant running starts again.
Every day feels the same, you can't tell the difference between your days, and days just fly by.
It's a bubble.

I have had this feeling for a while now.
My life is constantly revolving around work and gym pretty much. And my illness of course.
It's not the first time this happens in my life.

This happened with anorexia. My life was all about certain things. In that case, just jogging, watching my eatings and eating that little bit I allowed myself to eat, and sleeping the rest of the time as I had no energy to do anything else. No social life, no nothing. I was just trapped. I avoided social occasions, because it would break my routine, that made me exhausted but I was too scared to let go. I avoided pretty much everything that would break my routine. It was safe. I had control. Or so it seemed like.  
And it's exhausting as hell. Already then I compared myself to a hamster on it's running wheel.

Now... don't get me wrong, my anorexia is not triggering. I'm just saying that my life is so all about the routine that you kinda get lost. You forget the most important things, such as why you started. Why you are where you are, why you are doing these things. Every day is gray, you just execute these things that you have to, without any satisfaction, joy, happiness as you are so trapped in that bubble. It's like a fog.
Life is all about executing.

I had planned in my head to go to Dublin this weekend, just walk a bit around and maybe try to find something small and nice. On Friday evening, tired after work and gym and stuffed after cheat meal, I wasn't too sure about going to Dublin anymore.
Mostly I was just thinking about how I'm gonna divide my eatings and jogging around it if I go.

On Saturday morning I was torn between. I wanted to go but what about my walk, what about snack, what about cooking and eating and home exercise?
But then, I just decided that f*ck it, I had a chat with my bf and we decided that we would go right now, in the morning.
I told myself that it will be grand. If we go now, we hang out in town few hours and then come back home. And I would still have enough time to cook, eat, chill a bit and then go for my walk and do that exercise. It was Saturday after all, there was no rush anywhere.

It was great decision. Weather was absolutely gorgeous.
As we sat in the front of the double-decker (it's the best possible seat), on our way to Dublin I kinda got out of the bubble and looked at things with eyes that had just gotten into Ireland.
I felt the sweet little excitement in me as I looked at the road signs where there is place names in english and in gaelic. How fascinating it felt. I looked at the houses and streets, how different they were. And as the double-decker entered to Dublin and I looked at the river Liffey, Guinness factory, pretty much everything there just were, I felt the excitement in me rising, I was actually living in this country. This was my new home and I had completely lost that exciting feeling.

As we were walking around in Dublin that day I had a good feeling. I was happy that I decided to go to town, get out of that bubble and have a little wake up call to this wonderful world.
So, for that while, the world wasn't that gray after all and foggy, it was colourful with sunshine.

Yesterday made me feel good. I had a lovely day out there, and when I got home, I still had enough time to cook, eat and go for a walk. I was so happy I broke my routine and enjoyed the little things and got that excited feeling in me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never forget why you started something.
Actually remembering the very reason why you have started something, can give you so much.
Remember the little things, those add up the most colour into the gray days.
Never forget why you fell in love with something.

I had last week my first assessment after I've started on that meal plan. And yeah, I have lost body fat on my belly, got good feedback from trainer but I kinda didn't know how to enjoy it.
I was like "Yeah, good stuff..." and just went back home to eat, shower and sleep.

After yesterday, I kinda started to look at that with new eyes as well.
Why I have started in first place to go to gym, what is my goal, how far I've come, how much work I have done to be in this place right now.
I got the excited feeling about it as well. I'm progressing, I'm going somewhere with this, it's not just some every day pumping, counting proteins, macros and fats.
So, it's just as important to celebrate those little achievements as those big ones.
No matter what is, give a little pep talk to yourself if you need to, clap your own back if you got out of the bed in the morning shit early to go for a walk, enjoy every slice of that pizza on your cheat meal day as you have deserved it, celebrate the kilo or 15 that you have lost.

Don't lose yourself into those gray days, keep always looking for rainbows.
Don't get trapped into a bubble, go out, have fun a bit, break the cycle. 

Stay wild,

xoxo

The fault in our stars

Hi all!

I can finally say that I have read a book before I've seen the film!

Yeah, I'm gonna talk about a book called The fault in our stars.
If you have heard about this and you wanna read it or see the film, don't read any further.

                        

I finished it few days ago. I got the book maybe two or three months ago.
No, I'm not a slow reader, I just got to the point in the book that I didn't know if I wanted to finish it or not.

So, basically the book is about this terminally ill girl, Hazel Grace. Cancer that has spreaded to her lungs. She has to carry an oxygen tank with her all of the time. So, basically, she is a lot more sicker than I am. She is about ten years younger than I am. Still, despite the age difference between me and this fictional character, I felt I could relate to her most of the times.

                                                

Hazel meets this charming young man in a support group, Augustus Waters. Augustus had cancer as well, he had his other leg amputated.
Eventually they fall in love. They do these things together, even go to Amsterdam, which made feel good that even if you are terminally ill, attached to an oxygen tank that you have to carry around, you are still able to fly. Yes, I have heard about this also in real life, so it gave me hope that even if my situation gets worse, maybe I'll be able to fly as well and I don't have to sit around in a house and wait for death to come.

                           
In "The fault in our stars" Hazel loves this book called "An Imperial Affliction", which also tells about terminally ill girl. Sometimes it made me feel like I was Hazel, reading about another terminally ill girl.
"An Imperial Affliction" was written by Peter Van Houten in the book and he lived in Amsterdam. Hazel introduced this book to Augustus as well.
Augustus used his "Wish" to fly Hazel and himself to Amsterdam to meet Peter Van Houten, which ended up to be nothing that they expected.
But at the end of the book, it came clear that Peter Van Houten wrote the book based on his own experiences, he used to have a terminally ill daughter who died at very young age.
And all this, made Van Houten nothing but mean and sad alcoholic.

After their trip to Amsterdam, Augustus gets worser and it's clear that his cancer has recur.
And he dies very close to end of the book.

By the time Augustus got sick, I started to feel if I wanted to finish the book or not.
But I did, and as much as reading Augustus dying and leaving Hazel sad, I was happy I read the book, even tho' I felt sad as well.

                                      

The thing with chronical illness, or even with terminal illness is that no one really understands you.
I have started to understand the quote "No one gets it until they get it".
So, when I was reading this book, even tho' I'm not as sick as Hazel is *knocks wood*, I felt that someone understood.
This book made me anxious, sad, happy, laugh and cry. It was everything I expected it to be, and maybe a bit more. It was therapeutic in some level, at least to me.
It kinda made me to come in terms with my own illness. As some of you know, I haven't spoken to a therapist or a shrink about my illness and I intend to keep it that way. To be honest, I probably should, because there is so much heavy shit going on in my head and no one really to talk to about it. But how about No...

I have started to write again. Yes, my blog but also something else. Actually, I have started to write loads of things. I used to write so much when I was younger and I'm not the one to brag, but I was one of the best writers back in the school in my class. It feels great to be back at it again.

As I said, I have started to come in terms with my illness... it's heavy stuff. And I'm writing about it, everything that knocks in.
Maybe in near future, I will write about that stuff here in my blog, when the time is right, but not yet, as it is too much to get out of my chest and head for public eyes to read.

But going back to "The fault in our stars", I loved the book and I recommend it.
I'm not too sure if I want to see the movie. I like the image I have in my head.
Oh well, we'll see if I will watch the movie or not.
(Sorry I didn't wrote too much and too detailed about the book, I wanna save some for you, if any of you get's the sparkle to read it)

                                                

Ten points to John Green.

xoxo

First hospital visit

Hi all!

On my last post I already mentioned that I have my first hospital visit coming up.

So, I had my first hospital visit in Peamount hospital last Friday (9.12) and I was thinking that I'll let you know how it went as big part of my blog is about my emphysema.

Naturally I was worried and stressed. Mostly I was afraid how my breathing test results will be, are they gonna be a lot worse, is there big changes in x-rays, etc.

I had blood tests taken some weeks ago at my local GP. Those were fine, all tho' the interesting thing was that I have a little bit of bad cholesterol and also anemia is trying to kick back.
GP said not to worry about it too much yet, as I am still young and it isn't anything that diet and excersise wouldn't fix. Afterwards I laughed a lot about it... how much healthier I should eat and and how much I would need to excersise?
Because, I eat quite healthy, no red meat at all, lots of veggies and wholegrain products. And I excersise daily, I walk to work and back, I go to gym 4 times a week (also walk up to gym and back home) and I do long walks on the weekends.
But as said, I'm not gonna worry those too much. Cholesterol runs in the family, so it might be something that I can't even do nothing about.
And I also have 4 times higher risk to get a embolism than an average person.

Okay, so at Peamount I first went in with one of the nurses who just took some information about me, height, weight, what inhalers I use, etc.
After awhile I met the doctor.
"How can I help you?" he asked. I told him that I have asthma and emphysema.
He asked few questions about my asthma and then he came back to emphysema and said "You cannot have emphysema!".
Of course I can't, I'm just making random shit up from head and I decided to choose emphysema, sounds miserable enough.
He went through the papers that my GP had sent and I tried to offer him a CD where all my x-rays are burned into (back in Finland), but he didn't want to see them.
He just couldn't believe it. Yea, me either....
Then he asked more about family history, inhalers, how I excersise, looked at my last breathing test results that were made in Finland and I also mentioned to him that I had pneumothorax when I was 17, not caused by trauma.
"I just find it very hard to believe you have emphysema, you are so young!" he said after awhile.
"Yea I know, even in Finland they were quite blown away with it" I answered.
He listened to my lungs and checked my hands, mostly my fingers I think (for some reason).
He was ashtonished, how someone so young can have emphysema, bad breathing test results, still sit there bubbly and do lots of excersising.
Yup the yup... that's what we all have been wondering but guess what?
Life isn't fair.

The end result was that I was worrying for now way too much for nothing.
Doctor wants to start all fresh with me, get new bood tests, breathing tests, walking tests, CT scans etc. I found it very frustrating to start this circus all over again, but then again I kinda get it.
So yeah, I was worrying and stressing for nothing this time.
I got new appointment for breathing tests and skin test, which is in January. And I will receive appointment time for CT scans and walking tests by mail. And I will meet the doctor again in March.

How I feel after my first visit to the hospital?
Empty. Frustrated. And kinda sad.
It is a long progress to start all over again. But it doesn't bother me as much as people not believing you when you tell them that you really are sick.

I have been dealt with a very bad hand in life. We can start from the pneumothorax, then go to anorexia, depression, anxiety, anemia, asthma and now this emphysema. There's quite a lot of suffering for one tiny human being.
I just refuse to give up. And I refuse to show my struggle to you. I have to be in deep pain until I tell you how much I hurt inside.
But if you come close to me when I walk, you can hear it. If you see me at the gym, you might see me struggle. If you hear me coughing and look closely, you might see it hurts.
If you look deep into my eyes, you can see the pain in my eyes.

So when someone doubts my illness, it hurts. But then again, I have heard it all before.
Even a doctor in Finland said to me "You don't even know what it feels like to be really sick".
So... I guess you just kinda get used to all the doubts at some point, tho' it hurts that you have to prove yourself, especially to doctors.

 Turn my body inside out and it will tell you a whole different story.

It has been quite hard and emotional week especially since I got some bad news from Finland of my grandpa. He is still alive but not doing so good. It makes very sad and I'm just afraid that next time when I go to Finland, he might be living in a rest home and who knows, might not recognize me anymore and even know who he is. I just hope with all my heart that he will be allright.

Maybe next week will be a better one. One can always hope. :)

Anyways, long story again... next time I will be talking about working out and gym.
Feel free to leave comments or questions or whatever. :)

Until next time.

xoxo