Never forget why you fell in love with something

Hey everyone!

At the moment I'm struggling to write publicly, I have my notebook where I write quite loads of stuff.
As I stated in my last post, there is loads of things going on in my mind and I'm not quite sure whether to post that stuff online or not. But truth to be told, my mind is a quite dark and mysterious place right now. Even I, myself don't know most of the time what the f*ck is going on, to be honest with you all.
But anyway, I decided to write a blog post anyways, as I had yesterday a good day and got a little bit inspired by yesterday. And if my lungs keep their shit together, I'll be in Finland next weekend so most likely I won't be writing blog post next weekend.

Do you know that feeling when weekdays just take over your life?
Your life is revolving around work, gym, meal prepping, eating and sleeping (if your lucky enough to sleep).
Every day is the same, you're like a hamster, just constatly running on it's wheel, taking a break to eat and have a sleep and then the constant running starts again.
Every day feels the same, you can't tell the difference between your days, and days just fly by.
It's a bubble.

I have had this feeling for a while now.
My life is constantly revolving around work and gym pretty much. And my illness of course.
It's not the first time this happens in my life.

This happened with anorexia. My life was all about certain things. In that case, just jogging, watching my eatings and eating that little bit I allowed myself to eat, and sleeping the rest of the time as I had no energy to do anything else. No social life, no nothing. I was just trapped. I avoided social occasions, because it would break my routine, that made me exhausted but I was too scared to let go. I avoided pretty much everything that would break my routine. It was safe. I had control. Or so it seemed like.  
And it's exhausting as hell. Already then I compared myself to a hamster on it's running wheel.

Now... don't get me wrong, my anorexia is not triggering. I'm just saying that my life is so all about the routine that you kinda get lost. You forget the most important things, such as why you started. Why you are where you are, why you are doing these things. Every day is gray, you just execute these things that you have to, without any satisfaction, joy, happiness as you are so trapped in that bubble. It's like a fog.
Life is all about executing.

I had planned in my head to go to Dublin this weekend, just walk a bit around and maybe try to find something small and nice. On Friday evening, tired after work and gym and stuffed after cheat meal, I wasn't too sure about going to Dublin anymore.
Mostly I was just thinking about how I'm gonna divide my eatings and jogging around it if I go.

On Saturday morning I was torn between. I wanted to go but what about my walk, what about snack, what about cooking and eating and home exercise?
But then, I just decided that f*ck it, I had a chat with my bf and we decided that we would go right now, in the morning.
I told myself that it will be grand. If we go now, we hang out in town few hours and then come back home. And I would still have enough time to cook, eat, chill a bit and then go for my walk and do that exercise. It was Saturday after all, there was no rush anywhere.

It was great decision. Weather was absolutely gorgeous.
As we sat in the front of the double-decker (it's the best possible seat), on our way to Dublin I kinda got out of the bubble and looked at things with eyes that had just gotten into Ireland.
I felt the sweet little excitement in me as I looked at the road signs where there is place names in english and in gaelic. How fascinating it felt. I looked at the houses and streets, how different they were. And as the double-decker entered to Dublin and I looked at the river Liffey, Guinness factory, pretty much everything there just were, I felt the excitement in me rising, I was actually living in this country. This was my new home and I had completely lost that exciting feeling.

As we were walking around in Dublin that day I had a good feeling. I was happy that I decided to go to town, get out of that bubble and have a little wake up call to this wonderful world.
So, for that while, the world wasn't that gray after all and foggy, it was colourful with sunshine.

Yesterday made me feel good. I had a lovely day out there, and when I got home, I still had enough time to cook, eat and go for a walk. I was so happy I broke my routine and enjoyed the little things and got that excited feeling in me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never forget why you started something.
Actually remembering the very reason why you have started something, can give you so much.
Remember the little things, those add up the most colour into the gray days.
Never forget why you fell in love with something.

I had last week my first assessment after I've started on that meal plan. And yeah, I have lost body fat on my belly, got good feedback from trainer but I kinda didn't know how to enjoy it.
I was like "Yeah, good stuff..." and just went back home to eat, shower and sleep.

After yesterday, I kinda started to look at that with new eyes as well.
Why I have started in first place to go to gym, what is my goal, how far I've come, how much work I have done to be in this place right now.
I got the excited feeling about it as well. I'm progressing, I'm going somewhere with this, it's not just some every day pumping, counting proteins, macros and fats.
So, it's just as important to celebrate those little achievements as those big ones.
No matter what is, give a little pep talk to yourself if you need to, clap your own back if you got out of the bed in the morning shit early to go for a walk, enjoy every slice of that pizza on your cheat meal day as you have deserved it, celebrate the kilo or 15 that you have lost.

Don't lose yourself into those gray days, keep always looking for rainbows.
Don't get trapped into a bubble, go out, have fun a bit, break the cycle. 

Stay wild,

xoxo