To the North

Hi all !

When I say "To the North", I don't mean the North of Ireland, I mean Finland.
To be honest, I can't remember if I mentioned on my last post about mini trip to Finland.
Well, nonetheless, a week ago, I traveled back to Ireland from Finland, back to home from home.

Yea, so a bit over a week ago I went to Finland for a few days.
We left with my bf on Friday and came back on Monday.

                                           

I can't tell you how stressed about the flight I was.
Back in Finland doctors scared me to death with flying and I still haven't overcome that fear.
And it was very cruel thing to do, since I have always loved flying.
But yeah, I spent many weeks before the trip awake at night, with my thoughts and also fearing how the flight might go wrong with my crappy lungs if they don't keep their shit together.

On Friday, I went to the gym really early and after that returned back home and got ready.
At the airport we did some basic airport shopping, chocolate and a bit booze for family and friends.
Our flight was a bit late and for that one time when I had decided that I will survive this trip with small luggage, they decided to take my small bag away and put it into the hold.
Needless to say that I was pissed.
By the time when we got to the plane, found our seats and were ready to take off, I tried to take it as cool as possible. Dying inside of my head because of the panic but acting cool on the outside, trying to breathe normally.


       

(Flying: it's serious business)

The flight went fine. I focused on listening to music and reading my book. Had little snacks as well and that 3 hours flight fly by, haha.
Okay, the flight went fine but I had pain on the right side of my chest/ribs, more on the rib area than chest. It wasn't constant, luckily. I figure it's the fuckin' bullae that's gonna blow up one day, the very one doctors back in Finland warned me about before I moved to Ireland. Oh well, shit happens and splatters...
We landed to Finland in time even tho' we took off a bit late. I got my bag luckily very fast and I just wanted to get out of the airport and head home.
It was so great to see my dad waiting us at the airport. Big hug for daddy and after that we left and headed home.

                                               

(Love <3)

When we opened the door to my parents house, there was a choir of dogs, barking at us. And oh my goodness, how I loved seeing my dog! My heart was so full of joy and happiness and love seeing her after a long time. She greeted us bringing her toys and jumping and kisses. My parents dogs jumped and came for pets as well.
It was great. If I had missed something the most, it was my dog.

                                 

(From our morning walk <3)

On the next day (Saturday) I went for a walk with my mom and her dog and my dog. Weather was absolutely amazing. It was kinda soul therapy for me.
In Finland, you can walk in forests, roads, anywhere for maybe 8 kilometers and you don't see anyone else. That is love. Being in peace and calmness.
In Ireland, no. That's not gonna happen. There is people everywhere. No matter what. So, sometimes my Finnish nature misses that calmness and loneliness, walking and wondering alone without anyone else being around.
So, I really enjoyed our morning walk. Sure, my mother was there, but it doesn't count.
Soul therapy, as I said.

                                             

(Brother)

Later in the evening we had few drinks at my parents house and my very best friend came as well.
Had drinks with my bf, my brother, my bff and her bf. And at some point my dad gave us a lift to the town. We went to few pubs for drinks and then headed to night club.
Absolutely amazing and great time! I had so much fun.

                                

(Missus of my life)

I have to tell you about one old school mate I met that night. I first met him at the one of the pubs we went to. I bumped into him and kindly asked if he was who I thought he was, he said yes and repeated the same with me. Haha. Best part was him saying "You have gotten very pretty!". Like, gee thanks. And yea thanks, I do know I wasn't the prettiest girl in the school, I'm still not.
I met him at the night club again and we had a little chat, pretty much talking about what was going on each others lives now a days. At some point he said "I remember how you got so thin at one time". I literally was speechless. We were never like good friends or anything, more likely just acquaintance. I was so speechless that he had noticed, he remembered the time I got sick with anorexia.
"Try to get a bit more meat around your bones" he said and I promised to him that I will and that it's all under control now a days.
After that I found my friend and brother and his friends, with whom I ended up spending the most of the night. It was fun. I had a good time. I told my brothers friends that they can kick me out of their company any given time, but to them it was okay me hanging with them. I have to admit, I had so much fun, I laughed so much that my belly hurt at some point. I also played pool! I played against my brother, my bf and some random guy. And it was so funny when guys came to give me advises.
To be honest, I can't remember when I had last time so much fun.
Was I drunk? Hmmm, yes. Was I "over"drunk? No.
Handled my liquor, way to go my big liver! I knew you can do it! Haha.

Have to thank my bestie and brother and everyone else, my bestie's bf, my bf, my brother's friends for the great time I had. Thanks for making me having such a good time.

Oh well, next morning I had horrible hang over. Or the headache was making it horrible.
I had a little breakfast in the morning and went back to bed. I felt so bad because I really wanted to go for a walk with my dog but I was afraid if I would stay up, I would start puking. And naturally, I didn't want that to happen. So, I stayed in bed for hours.
My parents took dogs for a walk and after the walk my dog came inside. She came into bed with me.
My bf was gone with his friends already so there was enough room in the bed for her (to be honest, there is always room for my dog, not too sure about my bf tho' haha).
Best part was when my dog came right next to me, her back against my chest and she just laid there with me. I curled my arm around her and she didn't mind, she just laid there. I have to admit that it made me cry and I'm nearly crying now when I think of her.
It was the best hangover cure.
There is no love like the love of your dog.


                             

(Love <3)

Later that day when I had my shit together I visited my grandpa with my mom.
I knew he had been quite sick and in hospital so it felt good to see him in his own apartment.
Actually, it was one of the reasons why I wanted to go to Finland for a few days, to see grandpa and my dog (and yea sure, my family and bestie as well).
Had a nice chat with him and it felt good to see that he was doing a bit better. 

                                         

(Grandpa in the good mood :) )

Later enjoyed dinner made by my dad. If I had missed something, it was salmon made by my dad. And fuck the meal plan, I kinda went overboard with the salmon. But hey, it's protein.
(To be honest, my trainer wasn't too happy hearing that but whatever, it was just one little slip)

Early in the Monday morning my dad gave us a lift to the bus, as we took a bus to the airport.
My dad would have taken us to the airport but he had to be at work and he couldn't miss it.
Sure, my brother offered to give us a lift as well, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him driving alone home from the airport and I think it was important for him to be at school.
So, we took a bus ride to the airport. A bit stressed about it I was, as I hadn't taken bus to the airport in over 13 years. But we made it. Did the check in, had breakfast, did a little shopping again (whoops!) and got to our gate on time. 

                                 

Flight again went fine. Focused on my book and listening music, took it cool. Okay, again the very same pain on the right side of my ribs. And again, it wasn't constant.
We were back in Ireland in reasonable time. We took airport bus again to get back home.
After we got back home from home, it was time for a little walk, meal prepping and unpacking. 

                                

The next day it was time to get back to work and gym.

Yesterday I met my bf's brother. He asked how was our trip to Finland and he asked at some point, which I would prefer more, living in Finland or in here, Ireland.
I think my answer surprised him a bit, I said it's 50/50.
My dog, the love of my life, the saviour is in Finland and I miss her so damn much everyday. There is an emptiness in me every day.
And sure, it would be easier to stay on track with this damn illness in Finland.
But, I wouldn't have a job in Finland and I wouldn't be able to live together with my bf so.. it's 50/50.

It was easier to leave Finland this time. I guess it's because I kinda have built my life around here a bit. Sure, I was sad and heart broken to leave my dog. Had tears in my eyes when we left the house, had tears in my eyes when the plane took off.
But I know she is happy there with my parents and my parents dogs and her life is good there, she wouldn't be as happy in here Ireland, I know that.
And yea, I felt a bit homesick during last week, it was so nice to be at home, even tho' it was only a little while.

But my mother and brother are coming over to Ireland in next month, I'm so excited and happy about it already! :)

xoxo

Never forget why you fell in love with something

Hey everyone!

At the moment I'm struggling to write publicly, I have my notebook where I write quite loads of stuff.
As I stated in my last post, there is loads of things going on in my mind and I'm not quite sure whether to post that stuff online or not. But truth to be told, my mind is a quite dark and mysterious place right now. Even I, myself don't know most of the time what the f*ck is going on, to be honest with you all.
But anyway, I decided to write a blog post anyways, as I had yesterday a good day and got a little bit inspired by yesterday. And if my lungs keep their shit together, I'll be in Finland next weekend so most likely I won't be writing blog post next weekend.

Do you know that feeling when weekdays just take over your life?
Your life is revolving around work, gym, meal prepping, eating and sleeping (if your lucky enough to sleep).
Every day is the same, you're like a hamster, just constatly running on it's wheel, taking a break to eat and have a sleep and then the constant running starts again.
Every day feels the same, you can't tell the difference between your days, and days just fly by.
It's a bubble.

I have had this feeling for a while now.
My life is constantly revolving around work and gym pretty much. And my illness of course.
It's not the first time this happens in my life.

This happened with anorexia. My life was all about certain things. In that case, just jogging, watching my eatings and eating that little bit I allowed myself to eat, and sleeping the rest of the time as I had no energy to do anything else. No social life, no nothing. I was just trapped. I avoided social occasions, because it would break my routine, that made me exhausted but I was too scared to let go. I avoided pretty much everything that would break my routine. It was safe. I had control. Or so it seemed like.  
And it's exhausting as hell. Already then I compared myself to a hamster on it's running wheel.

Now... don't get me wrong, my anorexia is not triggering. I'm just saying that my life is so all about the routine that you kinda get lost. You forget the most important things, such as why you started. Why you are where you are, why you are doing these things. Every day is gray, you just execute these things that you have to, without any satisfaction, joy, happiness as you are so trapped in that bubble. It's like a fog.
Life is all about executing.

I had planned in my head to go to Dublin this weekend, just walk a bit around and maybe try to find something small and nice. On Friday evening, tired after work and gym and stuffed after cheat meal, I wasn't too sure about going to Dublin anymore.
Mostly I was just thinking about how I'm gonna divide my eatings and jogging around it if I go.

On Saturday morning I was torn between. I wanted to go but what about my walk, what about snack, what about cooking and eating and home exercise?
But then, I just decided that f*ck it, I had a chat with my bf and we decided that we would go right now, in the morning.
I told myself that it will be grand. If we go now, we hang out in town few hours and then come back home. And I would still have enough time to cook, eat, chill a bit and then go for my walk and do that exercise. It was Saturday after all, there was no rush anywhere.

It was great decision. Weather was absolutely gorgeous.
As we sat in the front of the double-decker (it's the best possible seat), on our way to Dublin I kinda got out of the bubble and looked at things with eyes that had just gotten into Ireland.
I felt the sweet little excitement in me as I looked at the road signs where there is place names in english and in gaelic. How fascinating it felt. I looked at the houses and streets, how different they were. And as the double-decker entered to Dublin and I looked at the river Liffey, Guinness factory, pretty much everything there just were, I felt the excitement in me rising, I was actually living in this country. This was my new home and I had completely lost that exciting feeling.

As we were walking around in Dublin that day I had a good feeling. I was happy that I decided to go to town, get out of that bubble and have a little wake up call to this wonderful world.
So, for that while, the world wasn't that gray after all and foggy, it was colourful with sunshine.

Yesterday made me feel good. I had a lovely day out there, and when I got home, I still had enough time to cook, eat and go for a walk. I was so happy I broke my routine and enjoyed the little things and got that excited feeling in me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never forget why you started something.
Actually remembering the very reason why you have started something, can give you so much.
Remember the little things, those add up the most colour into the gray days.
Never forget why you fell in love with something.

I had last week my first assessment after I've started on that meal plan. And yeah, I have lost body fat on my belly, got good feedback from trainer but I kinda didn't know how to enjoy it.
I was like "Yeah, good stuff..." and just went back home to eat, shower and sleep.

After yesterday, I kinda started to look at that with new eyes as well.
Why I have started in first place to go to gym, what is my goal, how far I've come, how much work I have done to be in this place right now.
I got the excited feeling about it as well. I'm progressing, I'm going somewhere with this, it's not just some every day pumping, counting proteins, macros and fats.
So, it's just as important to celebrate those little achievements as those big ones.
No matter what is, give a little pep talk to yourself if you need to, clap your own back if you got out of the bed in the morning shit early to go for a walk, enjoy every slice of that pizza on your cheat meal day as you have deserved it, celebrate the kilo or 15 that you have lost.

Don't lose yourself into those gray days, keep always looking for rainbows.
Don't get trapped into a bubble, go out, have fun a bit, break the cycle. 

Stay wild,

xoxo

The fault in our stars

Hi all!

I can finally say that I have read a book before I've seen the film!

Yeah, I'm gonna talk about a book called The fault in our stars.
If you have heard about this and you wanna read it or see the film, don't read any further.

                        

I finished it few days ago. I got the book maybe two or three months ago.
No, I'm not a slow reader, I just got to the point in the book that I didn't know if I wanted to finish it or not.

So, basically the book is about this terminally ill girl, Hazel Grace. Cancer that has spreaded to her lungs. She has to carry an oxygen tank with her all of the time. So, basically, she is a lot more sicker than I am. She is about ten years younger than I am. Still, despite the age difference between me and this fictional character, I felt I could relate to her most of the times.

                                                

Hazel meets this charming young man in a support group, Augustus Waters. Augustus had cancer as well, he had his other leg amputated.
Eventually they fall in love. They do these things together, even go to Amsterdam, which made feel good that even if you are terminally ill, attached to an oxygen tank that you have to carry around, you are still able to fly. Yes, I have heard about this also in real life, so it gave me hope that even if my situation gets worse, maybe I'll be able to fly as well and I don't have to sit around in a house and wait for death to come.

                           
In "The fault in our stars" Hazel loves this book called "An Imperial Affliction", which also tells about terminally ill girl. Sometimes it made me feel like I was Hazel, reading about another terminally ill girl.
"An Imperial Affliction" was written by Peter Van Houten in the book and he lived in Amsterdam. Hazel introduced this book to Augustus as well.
Augustus used his "Wish" to fly Hazel and himself to Amsterdam to meet Peter Van Houten, which ended up to be nothing that they expected.
But at the end of the book, it came clear that Peter Van Houten wrote the book based on his own experiences, he used to have a terminally ill daughter who died at very young age.
And all this, made Van Houten nothing but mean and sad alcoholic.

After their trip to Amsterdam, Augustus gets worser and it's clear that his cancer has recur.
And he dies very close to end of the book.

By the time Augustus got sick, I started to feel if I wanted to finish the book or not.
But I did, and as much as reading Augustus dying and leaving Hazel sad, I was happy I read the book, even tho' I felt sad as well.

                                      

The thing with chronical illness, or even with terminal illness is that no one really understands you.
I have started to understand the quote "No one gets it until they get it".
So, when I was reading this book, even tho' I'm not as sick as Hazel is *knocks wood*, I felt that someone understood.
This book made me anxious, sad, happy, laugh and cry. It was everything I expected it to be, and maybe a bit more. It was therapeutic in some level, at least to me.
It kinda made me to come in terms with my own illness. As some of you know, I haven't spoken to a therapist or a shrink about my illness and I intend to keep it that way. To be honest, I probably should, because there is so much heavy shit going on in my head and no one really to talk to about it. But how about No...

I have started to write again. Yes, my blog but also something else. Actually, I have started to write loads of things. I used to write so much when I was younger and I'm not the one to brag, but I was one of the best writers back in the school in my class. It feels great to be back at it again.

As I said, I have started to come in terms with my illness... it's heavy stuff. And I'm writing about it, everything that knocks in.
Maybe in near future, I will write about that stuff here in my blog, when the time is right, but not yet, as it is too much to get out of my chest and head for public eyes to read.

But going back to "The fault in our stars", I loved the book and I recommend it.
I'm not too sure if I want to see the movie. I like the image I have in my head.
Oh well, we'll see if I will watch the movie or not.
(Sorry I didn't wrote too much and too detailed about the book, I wanna save some for you, if any of you get's the sparkle to read it)

                                                

Ten points to John Green.

xoxo

Irish Christmas and year 2016

Hi everyone!

Sorry it took a while to get back to my blog. Last week I was very busy with work and meal prepping and workouts so I didn't really had time to even think about updating my blog. And as I said in my last blog post, last weekend we spent the Irish Christmas at my boyfriend's mother in the countryside.
But, as promised, here is a little sneak peak how my very first Irish Christmas went and also a little summary of year 2016.

So, last Friday after I got home from evening shift, I had quickly my cheat meal which was pizza! After that we packed our stuff into a car and left to the countryside.
Car drive took a bit less than 2 hours or then I just lost the track of time.
It was pretty late when we arrived there, so only thing we pretty much did, was took a shower, ate a bit and went to bed. There was loads to do and discover on the next day anyway.

Next Morning we got up, had breakfast and headed to town. Carrick-on-Shannon isn't very big town, but it was nice anyway. We walked around the tiny town, visited few shops that were still open and got few more presents and little something for ourselves as well. I bought for myself a book.
Later we got back to the house of my boyfriends mother and her husband.
We had dinner and loads of chocolate. I think I can still taste all the chocolate I ate, haha. And mince pies! We had mince pies with cream. At first I was thinking who eats mince meat pies with cream until everyone laughed at me and I realized it didn't meant mince meat. They were absolutely lovely!
In the evening we were all sitting around the table and playing poker for few hours. It was fun and something new as well for me as I had never ever played poker before.

(Mince pie with cream)

So, in Finland most of the people celebrate Christmas already on Christmas eve, which means that they have Christmas dinner and presents on Christmas eve. Also traditionally go to the cemetary and bring candles to the graves of those who have passed away. Also Christmas sauna is usually a must.
In Ireland, on Christmas eve people just prepare for the Christmas day. On Christmas day you have Christmas dinner and presents. So, all that was new.

On the next day, in the morning we shared presents, we had nice walk around the countryside and then we just waited for the amazing Christmas dinner. My belly and taste buds were super excited about it.

In Finland, in the table there is ham, maybe turkey, fish, potato casserole, carrot casserole and swede casserole, different vegetables and gravy, and let's not forget the wine.
In Ireland, people have turkey and stuffing, maybe ham and loads potatoes, vegetables, gravy and wine of course.
And the dessert! Oh my goodness, the Christmas triffle was absolutely gorgeous. My belly was seriously in a point that it would explode in any minute.
I had been on that meal plan for few weeks and it's not too much, so when I ate so much, I kinda pushed my poor belly into it's limits. But I survived the food coma.

I have been good this year because Santa brought me a own dumbbell so I get a little extra boost to workouts that I do at home when gym is closed. I also got nice new gym bag and a gift voucher to the tattoo shop! Yesssssss! Also got a new pyjama and I think the clothes I have the most, are pyjamas, which tells quite a lot about me, haha.

(Instagram: ellusstiina)

I really enjoyed my first Irish Christmas. It was very nice and I felt part of the family.
Of course some recent event's in Finland with my family back there were shadowing a bit my mood.
But we are going over to Finland in 21 days for few days.

So... 2016, how it has been?

Well, it has had it's up's and down's, good's and bad's, something old and something new. Big steps.

I'm happy that my health didn't took any backsteps this year, so my emphysema and asthma are quite on track and I'm still breathing. Trust me, it's a huge achievement.

All in all, so much has happened in such a short period of time that sometimes I'd like to just sit back and think what has happened along the way and try to internalize all this, but it feels I don't have time for that. I'm just all go go go and sleep.

Ever since I decided to move to Ireland, it feels like time has flied. The few months I had time in Finland went so fast, I didn't had time to think about anything.
Same now here. When I got here, I started very soon at my job and it has kept me busy and gym as well. Sure, it's good that I keep myself busy so I don't have too much time to sit and think about the folks in Finland, as harsh as it sounds, but trust me, it's a good way to eliminate the home sickness.
I think I'm slowly settling in. It takes me very long time to adjust into new things and I think I have finally started to get my foot in here.

Any promises for 2017?
Stay away from cigarettes, take care of my lungs, work hard, workout even harder, eat healthy and live free, whatever it means to myself. Get and be more creative, read more, give myself a permission to rest.

Happy New Year and good luck to all of you for 2017 !

xoxo

I'm not a gym rat.... I'm a gym unicorn

Hi everyone !


At the end of my last post I promised to write you about my workout routines and gym now here in Ireland.

As some of you, my dear possible readers know, I used to go to the gym back in Finland for few years. I had decided to start to go to the gym few months after my emphysema diagnose back then as I felt I had to do something.
I didn't really had any workout plan or meal plan either back in Finland.
I used to go to the gym four times a week and I had divided those sessions with muscle groups.
For example, Mondays I did chest and biceps. Wednesdays legs, Fridays shoulders and triceps and on Saturdays back. And I tried to eat healthy, loads of veggies, wholegrain products and lean chicken. I also took protein shakes and creatine. That was about it. So, I have some sort of workout history.

So, after I moved over here (Ireland) I made a decision to continue going to the gym. It is something that I'm very passionate about and somehow exhausting myself and my body, makes my day. Also, seeing your body change keeps you motivated and even if you don't always see the change, you notice how your body can lift more weights than for example a year ago. And when you start doing something and you keep doing it for few years and all of a sudden, there is a break from it, your body and most of all your head, starts to miss the workout.

I noticed this missing the gym and working out when I moved over here.
For the first week I decided to take it easy and not to worry about finding the gym to join.
It took me about a month to join a gym. I can only blame myself for it. I was being lazy but at the same time, it felt like my head was falling part because there was no proper stimulus for my body.
It just felt hard to find the right one.

So, after awhile I found a gym to join (also thanks to my boyfriend and his suggestions). I decided to try GNS Fitness. Now, I have been going to the gym for about 3 months, 4 times a week.
It finally feels like I'm back into it and my body feels great. Sore after workouts tho'.... naturally.

At first my 4 times a week schedule was, Mondays Pull (which means back and biceps), Tuesdays legs, Wednesdays full-body conditioning (cardio hell) and Friday was Push (chest, shoulders and triceps). And let me tell you, each session is about 30 minutes, which might seem at first quite short time, but... every time you go out there, there is a trainer telling you what to do and pushing you. Those cardio sessions are usually about 45 minutes long, which were hell for me. I actually had my very first bad asthma attack in one of the classes. And what your smart ass Finnish gal did? Gasped air for few minutes, thought about dying, having panic attack as well, sat down minute or two and then, kept on going again. Yea, my limitations were slapping my face on each cardio session and sometimes it felt great to survive and do good enough in the cardio session and sometimes it got me to the point when I just wanted to cry because of my limitations. Why I have to suck at breathing?
So, this went on for a few months and only about few weeks ago I had my assessment with one of the the great trainers in there and he decided to change my program and also made a meal plan for me.

What he did, is that now on Mondays I do Push, Tuesdays are legs 2 (which means that it is mostly hammies and glutes that I work on), Wednesday is rest day and Thursday is Pull and Friday is legs 1 (which means hitting legs very very hard). So, no more cardio for this gal (phew, walking does me just fine). Meal plan is to eat 5 meals during the day. It contains breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner plus all the protein shakes and other supplements (vitamins, cla's etc).

And for the first time ever, I actually have to weight my food. I never ever would have imagined it to be so hard. But after few weeks, you just kinda get used to it. Or at least, I have gotten used to it.
It can be irritating when you don't hit 120 grams at first, and you just have to keep on adding more and then taking out, but I want to believe it is gonna be worth it.
And as my trainer said, this is something we do to see how it affects my body so we know how much more or less I should eat and what to add or what to take off. As my goal is build lean muscle.

But the best thing is, I am allowed to have a cheat meal on Fridays, which smells like pizza and chocolate desserts. Yummy yummy!

So, I have found my gym, I think. I like it there. Each workout makes me sweat like a pig, I honestly didn't sweat like that ever back in Finland. And they say that good things come to those who sweat, right? All the trainers are great up there, they are very supporting and they push you to do your best. They tell you how to do movements right and they also give you that little extra push you need to do those last two reps. When you do things right, they notice it and tell you it.
It's a good place to workout in my opinion.

I have also found a place where to get my supplements from. Or at least, some of them.
I order my protein and some little thingys from Discount supplements. They have wide range of products and the thing I have found the best is that they deliver very fast for you and prices are not too overwhelming.

So, here was a little opening how my fitness journey is going on.
I'm beyond excited to see how my body will react to this new meal plan and workout plan as well.
If you want something you never had, you have to do something you have never done.
Step out from your comfort zone, results don't grow in there.

And I also wanna remind all people with asthma and emphysema, exercise as much as you can. Don't go over your limits, but do exercise. This is something that even doctors recommend and I couldn't agree more. I know that the beginning is always hard but if you keep your head and keep doing it, it will reward you and you will actually feel better. You can even find better balance to treat your asthma and you find yourself being able to do things.
You don't have to go to the gym, you don't have to run, just find the one thing that you wanna do and you're half way there. Stay motivated. Exercise, eat well and rest enough. :)

It's Christmas week already! It's amazing how fast time has flied by.
I'm very excited to spend my very first Irish Christmas with my boyfriend and his family this year, all tho' I miss my family very much.
And also, trainers have given me permission to enjoy Christmas food, so also my belly and taste buds are excited.

Next time I will let you know how my first Irish Christmas went. :)

xoxo

psst... few links for you to check out if interested:
http://www.discountsupplements.ie/ 
http://gnsfitness.ie/

First hospital visit

Hi all!

On my last post I already mentioned that I have my first hospital visit coming up.

So, I had my first hospital visit in Peamount hospital last Friday (9.12) and I was thinking that I'll let you know how it went as big part of my blog is about my emphysema.

Naturally I was worried and stressed. Mostly I was afraid how my breathing test results will be, are they gonna be a lot worse, is there big changes in x-rays, etc.

I had blood tests taken some weeks ago at my local GP. Those were fine, all tho' the interesting thing was that I have a little bit of bad cholesterol and also anemia is trying to kick back.
GP said not to worry about it too much yet, as I am still young and it isn't anything that diet and excersise wouldn't fix. Afterwards I laughed a lot about it... how much healthier I should eat and and how much I would need to excersise?
Because, I eat quite healthy, no red meat at all, lots of veggies and wholegrain products. And I excersise daily, I walk to work and back, I go to gym 4 times a week (also walk up to gym and back home) and I do long walks on the weekends.
But as said, I'm not gonna worry those too much. Cholesterol runs in the family, so it might be something that I can't even do nothing about.
And I also have 4 times higher risk to get a embolism than an average person.

Okay, so at Peamount I first went in with one of the nurses who just took some information about me, height, weight, what inhalers I use, etc.
After awhile I met the doctor.
"How can I help you?" he asked. I told him that I have asthma and emphysema.
He asked few questions about my asthma and then he came back to emphysema and said "You cannot have emphysema!".
Of course I can't, I'm just making random shit up from head and I decided to choose emphysema, sounds miserable enough.
He went through the papers that my GP had sent and I tried to offer him a CD where all my x-rays are burned into (back in Finland), but he didn't want to see them.
He just couldn't believe it. Yea, me either....
Then he asked more about family history, inhalers, how I excersise, looked at my last breathing test results that were made in Finland and I also mentioned to him that I had pneumothorax when I was 17, not caused by trauma.
"I just find it very hard to believe you have emphysema, you are so young!" he said after awhile.
"Yea I know, even in Finland they were quite blown away with it" I answered.
He listened to my lungs and checked my hands, mostly my fingers I think (for some reason).
He was ashtonished, how someone so young can have emphysema, bad breathing test results, still sit there bubbly and do lots of excersising.
Yup the yup... that's what we all have been wondering but guess what?
Life isn't fair.

The end result was that I was worrying for now way too much for nothing.
Doctor wants to start all fresh with me, get new bood tests, breathing tests, walking tests, CT scans etc. I found it very frustrating to start this circus all over again, but then again I kinda get it.
So yeah, I was worrying and stressing for nothing this time.
I got new appointment for breathing tests and skin test, which is in January. And I will receive appointment time for CT scans and walking tests by mail. And I will meet the doctor again in March.

How I feel after my first visit to the hospital?
Empty. Frustrated. And kinda sad.
It is a long progress to start all over again. But it doesn't bother me as much as people not believing you when you tell them that you really are sick.

I have been dealt with a very bad hand in life. We can start from the pneumothorax, then go to anorexia, depression, anxiety, anemia, asthma and now this emphysema. There's quite a lot of suffering for one tiny human being.
I just refuse to give up. And I refuse to show my struggle to you. I have to be in deep pain until I tell you how much I hurt inside.
But if you come close to me when I walk, you can hear it. If you see me at the gym, you might see me struggle. If you hear me coughing and look closely, you might see it hurts.
If you look deep into my eyes, you can see the pain in my eyes.

So when someone doubts my illness, it hurts. But then again, I have heard it all before.
Even a doctor in Finland said to me "You don't even know what it feels like to be really sick".
So... I guess you just kinda get used to all the doubts at some point, tho' it hurts that you have to prove yourself, especially to doctors.

 Turn my body inside out and it will tell you a whole different story.

It has been quite hard and emotional week especially since I got some bad news from Finland of my grandpa. He is still alive but not doing so good. It makes very sad and I'm just afraid that next time when I go to Finland, he might be living in a rest home and who knows, might not recognize me anymore and even know who he is. I just hope with all my heart that he will be allright.

Maybe next week will be a better one. One can always hope. :)

Anyways, long story again... next time I will be talking about working out and gym.
Feel free to leave comments or questions or whatever. :)

Until next time.

xoxo